Bad Mind

[WARNING: This blog post contains a severe amount of whining, exceeding the recommended daily dosage of self-pity. If you are known to have violent reactions to the bitchin' and moanin' of a stressed-out and fatigued woman, read no further. Do not combine with other known varieties of melodrama, including, but not limited to, daytime television, talk radio, and church board meetings.]

Okay, so lately, I have been under an extreme amount of stress. The Event I have been organizing for The Interfaith Alliance is Monday. For the past few months I have been arranging speakers, finding new speakers when others backed out, finding a space, finding a new space when the date changed, marketing The Event, all of the stuff that goes with event planning, right down to ordering the flowers for the registration table. And it's Monday. The folks from the DC office come in town tomorrow. I know The Event will be fabulous. At least I think I know it will be. Maybe I hope it will be. And perhaps I should pray. But regardless, I am stressed.

And then Regional Assembly is this weekend. I usually love the gatherings of clergy and lay folks from around the region, coming together to grapple with serious issues facing our Church (this year, as in many years, we are addressing systemic racism, the budget, and even how the two are interrelated), and after debates, we break bread together, celebrating in community. But this comes right before The Event. Right before The Event!! And to top it off, I don't have the brochures for WoP I had been working on. Long story. And, to top it off, I ran out of business cards. Not good for a gathering designed for networking. So I am stressed.

And then there's the election; I didn't do any voter mobilization. Oh, and I have been trying to make plans for the Fabulous Frey Family Festivities for Christmas (which has made planning The Event seem like a piece of cake!). And then stress in the community in which I live: it's an old house, it's Chicago, we're cold, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I am stressed.

AAAGGGHHH!!!

And in these days of stress, "Bad Mind has kicked in," as Anne Lamott writes. Bad Mind says, "I told you so." And Bad Mind then tells me of everything I did to bring this stress upon myself; yes, everything is in such bad shape now as a direct result of my bad character. And Bad Mind reminds me of that one email I forgot to return, oh, some three weeks back, and Bad Mind let's me know that if I had only returned that email, everything would be just fine now. Bad Mind continues taunting me, "You can't do this. Who do you tihnk you are? You are an imposter posing as a minister / church planter / community organizer. You're a fraud. And you're no good. You're bad, bad, bad. Bad Minister. Bad Community Organizer. Bad Sister. Bad Daughter. Bad Partner. Bad Co-oper. Bad Friend. Bad Citizen. Bad Blogger. Weren't you going to post every day? Bad. Bad. Bad" That's Bad Mind for you. Bad Mind at its bad-dest.

And I know it's not rational. I mean, I know I'm not bad. In fact, I know that I am pretty great. I believe that when God created Rachel Frey, God boldly proclaimed, "God, I'm good," or at least, "It is good." But it doesn't matter what I know, because in times when I feel overwhelmed, I really do feel that bad. And regardless of how much I try to reason with myself, I still let Bad Mind win. For a while.

And then, even if I don't listen to my own voice of reason, even if I don't listen to the Divine whispers inside of me telling me I am beloved and good, eventually, the voices of those around me get get through the derision of Bad Mind. I get the unexpected email from Soule saying, "I know you've been really busy lately, but I miss you." And Brittany hugs me and says, "I have been thinking about you." Ayanna lets me know that she is praying for me (and the prayers of that woman are not to be trifled with!). Felipe asks what he can do to help. Amy calls to say, "I was thinking about you, and I wanted to tell you I love you. And thanks for being such a great friend." Sandhya continues in her one-sided game of phone tag. And Craig just listens and loves; he doesn't stop doing either, no matter how crazy I get.

And maybe I am not missing the voice of the Divine after all. Because, in spite of everything, in spite of stress, in spite of Bad Mind, in spite of all this, I have friends.

And now I need to sleep. Good night.


P.S. I am debating whether or not I should even post this. My goal is certainly not to elicit sympathy from my readers. Rather, when I moved to Chicago to start this new church, I decided that in this ministry, I was going to be real: acknowledging my limitations, giving voice to my struggles. This is my journey this week, and maybe I'll regret "putting it out there". But maybe somebody can relate to my response to the chaos. And then a connection can be made. I don't know, but somehow that would make it worth it.

Oh, and I also wanted to let folks know why I hadn't blogged since the election. It wasn't because I was distraught over the results (stop laughing) or because, being so elated and encouraged by the outcome, I wanted my response to be really good. Just busy. That's it.